Enemies in my mind

 Don't remember when was the last time I felt everything is ok. 

Maybe 5 years ago, after a stormy relationship. I have moved back to my safe place (which is not there anymore and that breaks my heart), I had a job that I fairly liked, I was alone, but not lonely. I have done what I liked. I visited beautiful Scotland sceneries in my free time or just sat on the cliffs next to the sea and enjoyed the rare Scottish sun. And I felt all is fine. Everything is going to be ok. 

I didn't struggled financially back then. My depression seemed to give me a break there and it was exhilarating. 

I can't say the same now. 

Everything went to shit in the last three years. 

I have lost various jobs. I have lost my health. I have lost my positivity. I have lost myself. 

This morning my bank has rejected my road tax payment. This didn't happen to me ever.

I am devastated. My credit cards are empty. It didn't happen overnight, obviously. But it did happen. My debit card has £3 on it. I don't have job, I don't have help, I don't have parents or siblings, who can help, I don't have friends who can help, I don't get benefits, I can't get more loans or credit cards and I don't have anything to sell, even the car is from loan. My whole wardrobe is for sale on eBay, nobody wants them anyway. I am seriously devastated and can't seem to find the way out. 

I always had suicidal tendencies. I have had many attempts to take my own life, and have been brought back many times from the verge. Maybe I will write about it once, if I survive this period of my life. I try to find a job, don't get me wrong. But I also jeopardise myself getting them from some reason. I think I am my biggest enemy. 

This post is obviously a shout for help. Doubt it will work. Who would help me and why would they do that anyway? 

But with this post I have tried everything now other than sell my fat body, what I wouldn't do. I even started a gofundme profile, because despite my depression I have many talents and ideas, some of them worth noting. Unfortunately nothing happened there either. Don't know what to do. I will write until I have internet, and after? who knows.